I used to say something about trusting God, having faith and giving the control to God. I have been in that kind of situation so many times in my life. When God brought me once again at the edge of my faith only to show me once again that He is God. He has everything in His hands and I just need to trust Him.
I learned another new thing recently, once again about trusting Him. Trusting Him to do something different that normally will happen as the inevitable part of a decision. How much I trust Him to do it for me?
That is my dream. My dream that I always have been longing to come true someday. The dream that 2 years ago I thought would became true even nicer. When I met this guy. After a year dreaming that nice dream about him and another year worked hard to try to make it comes true, I have came to the point that trusting God and obeying Him get new meaning for me.
With God, I have to stop fighting. Stop struggling. Surrender. Trust Him and Obey! Sounds so easy, as I thought I have been done it before. But I know, there is always something new. There is always something to be learned. Out of the painful experience, once again.
I do have feeling for this guy. The romantic saying (but so true) is “I have always been in love with him”. Even after the past 9 difficult months, when we tried with no avail to make it work out. Then I knew I need to stop it, to stop whatever we were doing. The consequences I understand would be hard. Hurt once again. Pain once again. “Lord, I don’t wanna be in that place anymore. I don’t wanna feel that pain anymore. Especially, not with the same guy!” Please…
I did pray. I did ask Him to please take this feeling away, if he’s really not the one for me. I did cry out to God to please make it little bit easier for me. “You know my heart Lord…” I did pray, asked Him. But He did not do it for me. He did not take this feeling away. And I lingered a little bit too long in this place. To the point that taking the right decision was not just an option. It was the only thing to do, in order to obey Him. The pain that would follow that decision was so real. Why God did not take this feeling away? Is he real the one? But why this story still wanders off with no clear direction? What was the mistake? I did what I think I have to do… I don’t want anymore pain.
“…but you have to do your part, dear” --- wake up call! I need to do my part in this equation. Take the decision, the decision to walk on the right path. The decision to obey Him, once again. Then trust Him for the rest.
Obey Him, to decide to break this relationship up. My part.
Trust Him, to take care of my heart after I do my part. His part.
Then I could see He answers my prayer: guarding my heart, protecting my heart from that “normally inevitable” pain and hurt.
Yesterday, I finally made the decision. Then I found, right now, after less than 48 hours, it is not as hard as I thought. It is not as hurt as I was afraid. In fact I feel the peace, relieve and unbelievable joy. Hope, there is still hope for me and this dear guy. Hope, with or without him.
So, how much I trust Him to take care of the rest as I do my part of obedience?
This much! I have done it Lord….
-June 04, 2011
No comments:
Post a Comment