End of Month!

Dearest friend,

End of month!!

So, it’s been one month now. Time flies. What another roller coaster month for me. Many ups and downs…tears, hope, faith, questions, hope, faith...

I keep praying, asking God to help me not missing the point, the things He wants me to see and learn. At times, I am tempted to think with my own understanding about why this should happened. Sure enough I never got good answer. Also this month, many times, many times friend, I feel soooo lonely. Every year in June always not much activity for the women here. Many retreats in almost all regions also many staff take leave. For us here, the women team leaders also has no meeting until end of July. The regional usually only invite the national director to come to their retreat. So, really not too many things to do. I write a lot during this time. Also when I feel so lonely, usually during the week end or public holiday. Beside crying, writing for me is another best therapy.

Usually I will also try to meet some friends or other Y-group in J-town. But, somehow this time I don’t really like to meet them when I could meet them. But last week, I was feeling so lonely and I tried to contact some friends, from the Y-group and also other friends, and they all had same answers: they had had their own plan! Even friends that I contacted thru BB didn’t reply my messages when I tried to just have someone to talk to… wow!

Most of my devotional this months actually were so timely. So I know actually that God is keep speaking to me. Like yesterday, I read that Lysa book you gave me, she also discusses from Isaiah 43:18-19, our 2011 verse. But, you know, at times all the devotionals, all the great messages, couldn’t help… honestly, they don’t mean much to me sometimes. Still I cry, whenever I feel my heart is heavy. There’s a big question in my head: “God what are You up to?” At times I wrote in my journal just one word “tired”. I wish I could be like Jen, who always says “I’m excited to see what God have done and what He will do”… hhhmmm…

So, tonight, the last day of this month, I will close it with a “live meeting” with PI-WM, through skype. It’s a monthly prayer meeting in the PI-WM head office in Florida. They are 11hours behind my time, so it will be tonight at 11pm for me here. I still don’t know what to say or share, but it’s about the women here. It’s exciting though to be able to join their meeting and also a privilege for our women ministry to be invited to that meeting. I will go home soon today and pray and go to the guest house. I will stay there tonight as they have internet connection that I need.

So, I know, God is surely doing something for me right now. He is working behind the scene… and I know also that He’s so faithful… But at times, not too easy to keep that in mind and heart. I am (still) crying (again) as I write this. I keep hoping as I write…feel bit heavy. Yes, it’s not my best day… but, I know, it’s part of the process right? And He knows I can do it and as it’s just a part of the process then He will see me through…  

And the very nice song from my online radio in this computer is singing “You Are Good”… timely.

With every breath I take in
I'll tell You I'm grateful again
'Cause its more than enough 
Just to know I am loved
And You are good

Keep praying for you too friend…

Love & miss you,

June 30, 2011

...another day

She’s typing another text message to another friend now. However, even before she sent the message, she knew already what would be the answer. It would not be different as the four or five friends she sent the same message previously, “already have another planning for tonight or tomorrow.”
“Ok, this is going to be another long night…” she whispered.

“God, please give me another miracle just for tonight. I do not want to be ate by this feeling”, as much as she tried to get up and swallow her pain…

Feel so lonely…and miss him much! (honestly!)

Actually, had I not send the email three weeks ago and we were still in a (unreal) relationship, it would not really make a difference. But… the loneliness this time is just different. There is another pain involve, there were teary days.

So much I am trying to cheer my self up, so much I am trying to think positive thought, still this time feels so unbearable.

Lord, I always believe, this is just a process. Another hard process and You know I can endure it and that I will be just ok. However, this process is way too long, as I am feeling now. So many times I try to run ahead, wishing to speed up the process, but I came to no avail. Not working. Other times I think I could “help” You with my own way. I think I know my self, so why not trying this way. Then, of course unsuccessful. So, no more choice left but obeying You, just obey You. Stay in Your plan, faithfully. After all, I know, You always, always know better than I do.

Take just one step at a time. Finish whatever at “right now”, finish it well, then take another step. Clinging to You more like never before. And not holding onto something that is keeping me from letting go and letting You have Your way in my live.

+ + +
After some same unsurprising answers to her messages, she decided to write. Writing. Pouring out her feeling in words, with a cup of coffee in this familiar café, in the crowd, where she hopes she would not feel so lonely.

Sigh…
She will go home then…and lift the gratitude to the Lord for accompanying her in every step she took this day. 
Tomorrow is another day…another struggle…another victory…another day closer to the end of this part.



June 24, 2011

The Question

“what do you like most from him? I want to know him as a man who touch your heart romantically, not your brain only”

The simple question yet became not simple since I need more (and more) time to find the answer. After few minutes and as I write this, that question remains unanswered.

Now, that became difficult question!

What do I like most from him?

What makes me cry when I think there is (maybe) no hope for he and I, for that word “us”?

What causes that “cold” feeling in my heart when I think he might has another “special” one?

What causes that “hurt” feeling when I think I might not as special as he is to me?

What causes me sleepless that night when I decided to send the email to him?

What makes me pray for him for the past two years?

What makes me keep him in my dream for the past 2 years?

When you think and think and get no “good enough” answer, does it mean you are not really in love with that person?

I tried to ask my self different questions: what makes me happy about him? when I am with him, when I get his email, his message, his phone call, when I do anything with and for him?

I got no answer but one word “love”…

Is it enough?

Or just too naive?

After all, when you love someone, is it really necessary to have a reason for that? 

...and three seasons now

It’s been 3 weeks since the crisis began. 
But actually it’s been more than one month since I (actually) realized that God wanted to show me something. Something big.


And it is BIG.


Last night again I cried out to the Lord. In the last 3 weeks almost every week He has been bringing me to the end of my self, to the edge of my faith, to the end of my rope. Ya, I think for the last 3 weeks, I always got kind of “short” rope. To always drag me back to Him and cling to Him. More than before.


I’m amazed to realize that how hard, how harsh, how difficult the process I have to endure. The refining fire is just bit too hot this time. So, it must be for something real big in the future for me.


I still can not see the bigger picture. I’ve stopped analyzing anything. Stop trying to impart my own idea. What I can see now is God is at work. I’m trying to compile all the puzzles, and give them back to my God, let Him do it His way. I am learning to believe that when I give the puzzles to Him then every piece will fall in the right place. Ya, I am learning. I knew all the theories, what I am supposed to do, what the right things to do, I knew them all since long ago. But it seems, need this hard process for me to apply it, to live them out, not just as theories, but to experience it. And it is hard. Painful. Dead-end feeling.


When I look back, I understand, that on those rough roads and deep valleys, I can see God’s finger prints all over the places. In every corner, up and down. In every tear dropped. He was always there and will always be.


So, if He allows me to have this process, He must have something real BIG for me in the future. By the grace of God, not my own strength, I have chosen to be devoted, not discouraged to God. So, I know the time will soon come, when I come up as the winner…


About him…
It is not fair if I think this hard process is solely for me. I guess he is facing it too. He knows the Lord, he loves God and he even has been serving God longer than I do. He knows what he should do regarding this one. I think he is struggling to…I can not say sorry for him that he has to face this process. And I know he also can not feel the same way for me. It’s all already in His agenda since the very beginning.


Never imagine before that the process would be this hard. But, again, His thoughts are not my thoughts. His ways are not my ways. He has His own plan with His own timetable.
All I wish now, that the pieces start falling in the right place. So soon I can see the bigger picture. As for now, after 3 weeks, I haven’t seen the bigger picture yet.
But I will. He will. We will…

September 10, 2010

Today… after nearly 7 months…
The story has not changed, so much. The bigger picture has not seen yet. And the life still goes on. But I survived. I still believe for that “something big”, that it is happening and that God is working on it. Even what is happening now just show a very very few of that big thing. Even what I wish for seems never come. Even the big thing that seems closer now is totally another thing…


Keep hoping. 
Keep believing. 
The end is not in sight…the best is yet to come.

April 6, 2011

Going to 9 months...
…and things have changed. A lot.
What a journey. Sigh… so many lessons learned and are learning in this 9 months. Too many to be told. But the Lord has been so faithful.


For the things that have been revealed, for the things that are revealing and for the things that will be revealing later, I believe, it’s all good. Because what He does could not be wrong.
I think, up to now I have seen some parts of the bigger picture, but not yet the whole picture. And the bigger picture is little bit different than what I thought before.
Another pain. Another hurt. Another empty feeling.


But…it’s all good.


I am still waiting for the bigger picture. To see another part of the picture, the story.
I still have that dream…and I keep believing, the dream will come true someday, soon. He is still working on it. It takes a while, a bit longer, but will come the day, when I can see the whole picture, to finally close the chapter.


Or, should I close it now?
Why do I feel it’s not the end yet?
Then I believe, His grace is enough and always enough for me on this journey, to end this chapter well.


...because Lord, You always know the best and what You do could not be wrong!

June 12, 2011

Do I Trust You, Lord?

Just want to share

This song was written by Twila Paris for Melody Green, the wife of Keith Green, in response to Keith Green's untimely death in 1982.

Keith Green was an American gospel singer, songwriter, musician, and Contemporary Christian Music artis, died on July 28, 1982 in a plane crash, along with two of their four children. Melody Green continues their ministry.

Many people have been blessed with this song and I hope you will be blessed too…

Sometimes the circumstances of life can be so painful & we really don't understand why things happen as they do, especially when we trust that God will work things out. As these days I once again learn to trust HIM for every step I take. Release all the control to Him.
Sometimes we are trusting God to work things out the way we want them, but ultimately real trust in God is trusting that no matter how things work out, He has His reasons that are far above our own understanding…
because ....
Lord, what You do could not be wrong…

Do I Trust You Lord

Twila Paris

Sometimes my little heart can't understand

What's in Your will, what's in Your plan.

So many times I'm tempted to ask You why,

But I can never forget it for long.

Lord, what You do could not be wrong.

So I believe You, even when I must cry.

Do I trust You, Lord? Does the river flow?

Do I trust You, Lord? Does the north wind blow?

You can see my heart, You can read my mind,

And You got to know that I would rather die

Than to lose my faith in the One I love.

Do I trust You, Lord? Do I trust You?

I know the answers, I've given them all.

But suddenly now, I feel so small.

Shaken down to the cavity in my soul.

I know the doctrine and theology,

But right now they don't mean much to me.

This time there's only one thing I've got to know.

Do I trust You, Lord? Does the robin sing?

Do I trust You, Lord? Does it rain in spring?

You can see my heart, You can read my mind,

And You got to know, that I would rather die

Than to lose my faith, in the One I love.

Do I trust You, Lord? Do I trust You?

I will trust You, Lord, when I don't know why.

I will trust You, Lord, till the day I die.

I will trust You, Lord, when I'm blind with pain!

You were God before, and You'll never change.

I will trust You, I will trust You.

I will trust You, Lord, I will trust You.

Something about Trust and Obey

I used to say something about trusting God, having faith and giving the control to God. I have been in that kind of situation so many times in my life. When God brought me once again at the edge of my faith only to show me once again that He is God. He has everything in His hands and I just need to trust Him.

I learned another new thing recently, once again about trusting Him. Trusting Him to do something different that normally will happen as the inevitable part of a decision. How much I trust Him to do it for me?

That is my dream. My dream that I always have been longing to come true someday. The dream that 2 years ago I thought would became true even nicer. When I met this guy. After a year dreaming that nice dream about him and another year worked hard to try to make it comes true, I have came to the point that trusting God and obeying Him get new meaning for me.

With God, I have to stop fighting. Stop struggling. Surrender. Trust Him and Obey! Sounds so easy, as I thought I have been done it before. But I know, there is always something new. There is always something to be learned. Out of the painful experience, once again.

I do have feeling for this guy. The romantic saying (but so true) is “I have always been in love with him”. Even after the past 9 difficult months, when we tried with no avail to make it work out. Then I knew I need to stop it, to stop whatever we were doing. The consequences I understand would be hard. Hurt once again. Pain once again. “Lord, I don’t wanna be in that place anymore. I don’t wanna feel that pain anymore. Especially, not with the same guy!” Please…
I did pray. I did ask Him to please take this feeling away, if he’s really not the one for me. I did cry out to God to please make it little bit easier for me. “You know my heart Lord…” I did pray, asked Him. But He did not do it for me. He did not take this feeling away. And I lingered a little bit too long in this place. To the point that taking the right decision was not just an option. It was the only thing to do, in order to obey Him. The pain that would follow that decision was so real. Why God did not take this feeling away? Is he real the one? But why this story still wanders off with no clear direction? What was the mistake? I did what I think I have to do… I don’t want anymore pain.

“…but you have to do your part, dear” --- wake up call! I need to do my part in this equation. Take the decision, the decision to walk on the right path. The decision to obey Him, once again. Then trust Him for the rest.

Obey Him, to decide to break this relationship up. My part.
Trust Him, to take care of my heart after I do my part. His part.

Then I could see He answers my prayer: guarding my heart, protecting my heart from that “normally inevitable” pain and hurt.
Yesterday, I finally made the decision. Then I found, right now, after less than 48 hours, it is not as hard as I thought. It is not as hurt as I was afraid. In fact I feel the peace, relieve and unbelievable joy. Hope, there is still hope for me and this dear guy. Hope, with or without him.

So, how much I trust Him to take care of the rest as I do my part of obedience?

This much! I have done it Lord….


-June 04, 2011

Something New About Letting Go

I am not Oprah’s fan. I do like her show though. Some of her talk shows were inspiring. Just like the one that I saw this morning. Something about letting go. Just exactly what I just (finally) did, or I am learning to do these days. I am not saying that I have never learned about letting go before. I have been there so many times. In every experience to be in that situation always bring something new to learn. Once again, I am in that similar point now.

The past few days, I knew I need to once again let go something. For a while I was thinking that I need to let go off a person, someone, a “him”. It is always difficult. It is always hard. Especially when I realize that I do have feeling for this special someone. I know I would get cry-my-self-to-sleep kind of days. I had those days! I have learned to cope it. This case should not be something really new actually. Then recently that I think of it and dig more deep, I know what really hard about this one. Letting go the idea, the dream.

Letting go the idea…

Something that I found even harder to do. Letting go a thing, is sometimes not really difficult yet not so easy too. Letting go someone, is always difficult, never be easy. But letting go the idea, dream…then I found it is even harder to do. The idea about something that has been being your dream. The dream that you think it has already in your hand and just need couple more steps to come true. Slipping through my fingers!

“It was easier to let go the luxury, the people, the life style. But the idea about my happy life that was the hardest thing to let go” that was from the Oprah show this morning. Letting go the idea. Letting go the idea that it would be “perfect” for me and that guy to be a couple. The idea that I could be the good supporter for him in his work as well as he becomes my supporter in my work. The fact that we work in the same agency, we are facing the same challenge in our job, the fact that we have same passion, vision and mission. What a perfect idea for my dream. Not about the easy life. Not about the luxury. With him I know we would never have it. And that’s so fine. Just about working together and share this life together. To love and to be loved. That was the idea. The idea that soon is just so fit with my dream.

Now, once again about letting go. Letting go my idea about this guy. Letting go my “perfection” idea with this guy. Not the idea that was not right. It is just about the grande plan from the Lord that is not similar as mine. Maybe it is not the right time. Maybe still have to wait. But I need once again to take that courageous choice. The choice to walk on the right path by letting go this idea… by once again write a difficult email to be sent to him that I know would change my days once again. The courageous choice to tell him honestly about my feeling. The courageous choice to tell him that I could not live this life with the idea about him that I never sure about, it's just way too long to wait. The courageous choice to restart the idea, to accelerate it with the grande plan from the Lord. Hard. Never be easy.

I do still keep my dream that I believe will come true someday.

Sigh…. and I have sent that email yesterday early morning, letting go that idea.


-June 04, 2011