11.18.2011

11.18.2011.

Today.

11.11.2011 has gone by seven days ago.

Here, I am, thinking of him... just could not stop it.

Nothing happened.

but missing him...

Uugghh...

I Just Want To Be Unavailable

Even the best fall down sometimes…

Humming that song, in this crowd of international coffee shop. Always think that this place is kind of the second office for me. Always busy in the week end but I just love being here and writing.

So, back to that song… even the best fall down sometimes, from Collide by… forget the singer but will try to find out later. I’m not saying that I am the best. In fact I am thinking that I am so far away from the best, thus it’s just so normal if I fall down. It’s not an excuse…or maybe it is. But, I do feel down these days… think that I have all the right to feel that way.

I always remind my self and tell it over and over and over again that this is just a process. That this too shall pass, that I will become a better, stronger and wiser woman later. I keep telling myself that God is equipping me to do the bigger things later. As I asked God. This is the process. There is no other way to teach me. Time and time again, I try to convince myself. I know His grace is enough for me, His grace enable me to walk through this process. But, it never be so easy.

These past few days, I feel down.

Not because I trust no more about His process. But simply because I am tired. Tired of being strong and feeling good all the time. I’ve came to the point that I don’t want to show people that I am okay. Many times I am tempted to think that God has forgot me. Nobody notice me. I am once again left behind. Well I know, those “holy” people will say that that’s not true, that the devil tries to lie to me, to convince me that I am nothing. But, this time, I am at the point that I almost believe it… I feel that way. Sadly. Sigh.

Few days ago I got this nice quote: “sometimes the girl who’s always been there for everyone else needs someone to be there for her”. Soooo true! for many years I always feel better to share my life, to give out my heart, to reach out to people who need me. Lately God gave me many chances to meet some people who need me. Need me to listen to them, to cry with them and to sit beside them doing nothing. I did try my best to help them out, just to let them know that I think of them. And pray for them… I was doing it happily. Until few days ago.

What’s wrong with me?

Time when I fall down.

Wishing everything is over soon. No more I feel good about it. I wish I can just go, disappear and be forgotten forever… I am not feeling happy right now. I don’t even try to ask people to understand me and I don’t want to be understood by others. I just want to be alone. I just want to be UNavailable. I am tired.

Can you relate it?

Certainly not if you are kind of those “holy” people. But, I’m not holy and not even trying to prove my self holy. Now I am just a tired and unavailable girl who wants to be alone. Without trying to be a “good” girl who’s trying hard to convince me self that this is a process, this is a training ground. And I don’t need other to understand.

Right now… well, at least just for right now. Hopefully.

Question and Hope

“Hope all is well with you too”

And I really do hope so with you too!

That much we can do now. Can’t do more, as much as I want to…

Almost 3 months and I know I made it pretty good having come to this point. Survived.

Not every question we have the answer. For some questions, we have to wait for long time to have the answer. Other question, the answer comes fast, as the blink of an eye. And another question, you have to wait forever for the answer and most likely the answer will not come in this lifetime. You have to accept it.

My question about this story… “What was that? That past two years?”

I do not know when I will find the answer.

Can’t remember how many times I ask God to please help me out from this situation.

I just can’t live the life like this. If until today I can’t change my heart about him, what did I do wrong?

I know, I realize since long ago that I will never be able to do it by my own strength. That’s why I ask God to help me, I ask His grace to help me, enable me to put him back in his old place, just like the old days, before we had story, before he came to my dreams, before I shed tears for him. Hhmm…

Is it hope?

Is it because I still keep a tiny hope in my heart? Even if it is just a very tiny deep down in my heart. Does it make me feel this way until now?

The tiny hope that helps me to keep smiling… even there is no reason to smile about this story?

That’s another question.

And, not every question we have the answer.

I just have to wait…. in expectation.

Wait on God. He is working on it now…

“Hope all is well with you too”

and… keep the hope!

-Last day of August 2011- 

Still

Something has changed.

I feel it but do not know how to explain it.

I have been praying and I know God hears and He understand.

All the while He hears me.

After all, He knows my heart, He reads my mind.

I have been asking Him to change my heart.

So, is it the answer?

When I feel that it is not the same anymore.

Something has changed.

However, another “thing” still disturb me every time I get contact with anything related to him.

But, no more that strong feeling.

Do I miss it?

Sigh…

After all, deep down in my heart,

still…. I keep that hope, that dream…

Still the same…

Same like 2 years ago…

Still the same…

The Paschal Way

 ...and today, this beautiful poem came to my email, remind me again about His ways, that is so high and beyond my comprehension. and He is always faithful... faithful God.

to walk His path with Him....

"You said that if I walked your path with you

I would experience the blossoming of heaven.

I thought that you meant flowers,

blooms of celebration strewn

along the Hosanna road,

or arranged by flickering candles

in a church filled with peace,

or clustered fragrant in a heart

made into permanent summer by prayer,

or handed to me by friends

who valued flowers as much as I did.

You said that if I walked your path with you

I would discover the sweetness of God

and I expected to be given flowers.

But actually you were talking of thorns

and a cross on the road to dying

and hands and feet pierced by a truth

that I did not want to own

and a feeling of forsakenness

and a letting go

and a love so terrible it came

like a sword in my struggling heart

and finally, nothing but you and I

in the silence of the tomb.

You asked me to walk your path with you

and yes, you did mean flowers

But not the fragile things of a day.

Something of permanent fragrance

and a beauty that can't be measured

by a panacea^* of small comforts.

You were talking of the tomb transformed,

imprisonment into freedom,

crosses into wisdom,

suffering into compassion,

darkness into light,

You were talking of your presence

in a life made large by your journey.

You were talking of resurrections without end."

Joy Cowley

Psalms Down Under

Panacea: a remedy for all ills or difficulties, cure-all (merriam-webster dictionary)

11 Months

Just read again that email from nearly 11 month ago.

Still make me --sigh--

And I am afraid…afraid I can not put everything back to the right place.

                Still do not know if God still have another plan for this story.

I can not see the next couple step.

All I can see just a very next step. As His grace also only enough for me to walk just the very next step. Not more.

Always wish He gives me peaceful heart. Just a peaceful heart, what I need now. Right now, at this very moment.

"Lord, You know all about it..."