I Just Want To Be Unavailable

Even the best fall down sometimes…

Humming that song, in this crowd of international coffee shop. Always think that this place is kind of the second office for me. Always busy in the week end but I just love being here and writing.

So, back to that song… even the best fall down sometimes, from Collide by… forget the singer but will try to find out later. I’m not saying that I am the best. In fact I am thinking that I am so far away from the best, thus it’s just so normal if I fall down. It’s not an excuse…or maybe it is. But, I do feel down these days… think that I have all the right to feel that way.

I always remind my self and tell it over and over and over again that this is just a process. That this too shall pass, that I will become a better, stronger and wiser woman later. I keep telling myself that God is equipping me to do the bigger things later. As I asked God. This is the process. There is no other way to teach me. Time and time again, I try to convince myself. I know His grace is enough for me, His grace enable me to walk through this process. But, it never be so easy.

These past few days, I feel down.

Not because I trust no more about His process. But simply because I am tired. Tired of being strong and feeling good all the time. I’ve came to the point that I don’t want to show people that I am okay. Many times I am tempted to think that God has forgot me. Nobody notice me. I am once again left behind. Well I know, those “holy” people will say that that’s not true, that the devil tries to lie to me, to convince me that I am nothing. But, this time, I am at the point that I almost believe it… I feel that way. Sadly. Sigh.

Few days ago I got this nice quote: “sometimes the girl who’s always been there for everyone else needs someone to be there for her”. Soooo true! for many years I always feel better to share my life, to give out my heart, to reach out to people who need me. Lately God gave me many chances to meet some people who need me. Need me to listen to them, to cry with them and to sit beside them doing nothing. I did try my best to help them out, just to let them know that I think of them. And pray for them… I was doing it happily. Until few days ago.

What’s wrong with me?

Time when I fall down.

Wishing everything is over soon. No more I feel good about it. I wish I can just go, disappear and be forgotten forever… I am not feeling happy right now. I don’t even try to ask people to understand me and I don’t want to be understood by others. I just want to be alone. I just want to be UNavailable. I am tired.

Can you relate it?

Certainly not if you are kind of those “holy” people. But, I’m not holy and not even trying to prove my self holy. Now I am just a tired and unavailable girl who wants to be alone. Without trying to be a “good” girl who’s trying hard to convince me self that this is a process, this is a training ground. And I don’t need other to understand.

Right now… well, at least just for right now. Hopefully.